I was talking to my lady recently and I told her about an observation that God blessed me to see.  I speak about this observation several times a year, and I thought that I had talked to her about it, but apparently, I didn’t.  She was blown away by what I revealed to her, based on my observation.  It has something to do with the impact of two different experiences on a son: never meeting you or…you leaving him.  Let’s talk.  This might change you forever.  

I disagree…

In the last few years, several men whom I respect have said that if the mother gives them issues or attempts to play games with them concerning the child, they are willing to walk away from the situation. Then, when the child grows up and comes to find them, they’ll tell the child their side.  I completely disagree with this. 

Speaking personally, if your child doesn’t witness you trying to see them or fighting for them, they will think that you don’t care. I believe that you must show effort.  You must fight for them.  If you’re waiting for them to come to you, you will be waiting a long time.  

Yes, a lot of women do play games.  Yes, they don’t care about how these games, in which they keep the child away from the father, hurt both the father and the child.  Often, it’s all about a power play and her feelings only.  But hear me out.

My story

I grew up with only my mother.  When I was young, I didn’t know who my father was.  I vaguely remember meeting him one time…but that was it.  

Ultimately, I was raised by my uncle and my aunt.  This uncle was my paternal uncle – in other words, my father’s brother.  While it took me a long time to adjust to not living with my mother, I never longed for my father.  Why would I?  I had never really known the man.  

Furthermore, before I went to live with my uncle, I had never longed for a father.  My uncle would go back to our country to help rebuild it, and after he left, I never had an issue with this either.  This was my experience.  

Now the other side of the story

Now, throughout my 20 years of being in the physical security field in the government, I’ve met a lot of guys.  And because we had a lot of time on our hands, I got to hear their stories.  I began to see a pattern in many of them when it came to their relationships with their fathers.  

Jay-Z’s story is not an unusual one to many

“Now I’m just scratchin’ the surface ’cause what’s buried under there

Was a kid torn apart once his pop disappeared

I went to school, got good grades, could behave when I wanted

But I had demons deep inside that would raise when confronted

Hold on

[Interlude: Gloria Carter]

Shawn was a very shy child growing up.

 He was into sports, and a funny story is at 4 he taught himself how to ride a bike. A two-wheeler at that, isn’t that special?

 But I noticed a change in him when me and my husband broke up.

[Verse 2: JAY-Z]

Now, all the teachers couldn’t reach me

And my momma couldn’t beat me

Hard enough to match the pain of my pop not seein’ me

So, with that disdain in my membrane

Got on my pimp game; fuck the world, my defense came

Then DeHaven introduced me to the game

Spanish Jose introduced me to ‘caine (cocaine)

I’m a hustler now

My gear is in and I’m in the in-crowd…”

(Artist: Jay-Z.  Song: “December 4th” Album: Black Album)

Jay-Z is a business mogul currently worth 2.5 billion dollars.  He is the husband of the beautiful mogul and entertainer, Beyonce Knowles-Carter. Before he was a mogul, he was a gifted rapper.

But if you listen to his music, you know that he has a dark past.  He was a drug dealer – and not your typical drug dealer.  He and his crew sold to drug dealers. In fact, he was a drug lord.  These guys distributed to the dealers in your community.  

Jay-Z’s father left when Jay-Z was around 11 or 12.  Soon after, Jay-Z got involved in the life of selling drugs in New York City.  He was involved in that lifestyle from age 12 to about 25-26.  According to him, the walls were closing in.  He saw associates either getting locked up or getting killed, and he knew that he’d be next if he didn’t change his life.  Furthermore, he always had a gift that he played with.  He played with it so much that friends and family harassed him to pursue it.  

Decades before, Jay-Z had played with the industry through his mentor and friend, Jaz-O. He saw his friend mistreated and was turned off by it.  Besides, at the time, he was making way more money than those rappers.  But I can imagine that as he crept up on 30 and saw the dead end coming, he had no choice.  When he applied his gift and the work ethic and discipline that he had developed on the streets, he and his business partners became successful

The genesis of the dark road

Shawn Carter is an intelligent person.  In fact, I didn’t know that he was such a reader until his mother exposed that side of him.  If he was this intelligent, how did he get into the world of drug dealing?

Well, as the song (“December 4th”) said, he was the last child of four children.  His mother and father split up when he was 11 or 12.  I believe his father fell into substance abuse after that (or maybe that’s the reason why Gloria Carter ended it).  After leaving, Adnis Reeves (Jay-Z’s father) never came to spend time with his son.  

Immediately Jay-Z’s mother and teacher noticed a dark shift in him.  He became unruly and didn’t care about school anymore. Then, unbeknownst to them, he began his sojourn into the streets.  

“I wanted to walk just like you (Remember?)

Wanted to talk just like you (Word?)

Often momma said I look too much 

And I thought just like you (And I’d get happy)

Wanted to drink Miller nips and smoke Newports just like you

But you left me, now I’m going to court just like you

I would say, “My daddy loves me and he’ll never go away”

Bullshit, do you even remember December’s my birthday?

Do you even remember the tender boy

You turned into a cold young man with one goal and one plan?

Get mommy out of some jam, she was always in one

Always short with the income, always late with the rent

You said you was coming through, I would stay in the hallway

Always playing the bench (Waiting) and that day came and went

Fuck you very much, you showed me the worst kind of pain

But I’m stronger and trust me, I will never hurt again

Would never ask mommy, “Why daddy don’t love me?

Why is we so poor? Why is life so ugly?

Mommy, why is your eyes puffy?

Please don’t cry, everything’ll be alright

I know it’s dark now, but we gon’ see the light

It’s us against the world, we don’t need him, right?” (Right!)

Mommy driving 6’s now (Yeah), I got riches now (Yeah)

I bought a nice home for both of my sisters now

We doing real good, we don’t miss you now

See how life twists around, fucker?”

(Artist: Jay-Z.  Song: “Where Have You Been” Album: Dynasty)

His inability to love and marry might have been tied to his broken relationship with his father

I’m a big Jay-Z fan, and if I come across an article on him, nine times out of ten, I’ll read it.  Furthermore, Jay-Z is the type of rapper who speaks introspectively about his life from time to time in his music. Because I read articles on him and listen to his music, I have been able to see into his life.  

Years ago, I read an article about how his mother helped him heal.  This healing eventually helped him move forward in his life and marry his beautiful wife, Beyonce.  

In the article, Jay-Z’s mom admitted to not listening to his music.  I can’t blame her for that due to the “street” content of his earlier works and the profanity.   

However, she said that one day, as she listened to one of his songs, she heard something that offered a revelation about her son – something to which she had been oblivious.  In the song, Jay-Z said something about his father.  That was when she realized that he still felt animosity toward his father and had not healed.  

She realized that she had to broker a meeting between Jay-Z and his father so that her son could heal.  She got him to agree to the meeting, then she found his father and set it up.  

On the day of the meeting at his house, Jay-Z expected his father to not show up (because, as the song stated, he never kept his promise to see him).  And, as expected, he didn’t come.  Gloria Carter rescheduled the meeting and this time he came.  

I believe that, on the day Adnis Reeves came to his son’s home, Jay-Z’s brother and sisters were there.  Jay-Z watched his father from a distance.  He could see that his father felt uncomfortable.  He saw his father looking at the children he had left behind.  The fact that they were happy and doing well without him probably bothered him.

When they finally sat down to talk, Jay-Z ripped into his father, telling him about his feelings of pain due to his father leaving.  Mr. Reeves listened and apologized.  From this, they were able to start building a relationship.  

Jay-Z got his father an apartment and began to purchase furniture for him.  Soon after, it was discovered that Adnis Reeves had cancer and didn’t have long to live.  Not long after that, he died.  Jay-Z had managed to make peace with his father before his father transitioned.  

I’m not sure if Gloria Carter knew this, but the pain that her youngest child felt didn’t stay with the father who left him.  Apparently, this issue also impacted his love life.  Because of this pain, Jay-Z protected his heart.  He never wanted to feel that kind of pain again.  At the time he settled his issues with his father, he was dating Beyonce, but he was not moving fast enough to marry her.  Though it was obvious how much they loved each other, he was stalling on marrying her.  Soon after he repaired that relationship with his father, he married the woman whom he had been dating.  Was it because of the healing?  Probably.   

Is this an uncommon event?  My answer is…no.

To be Continued….

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And always remember…

Be A Man…

Which is worse: Your son never meeting you, or you walking out of his life? Pt.2