Decades  Ago

 

Decades ago, I was in transition to go to another federal agency.  I was speaking to a colleague who was 20 years my senior.  I was married at the time.  Being at least 20 years older than me, I had to be in my early twenties.  We were talking, and the conversation about his latest relationship came up.

 

This gentleman was retired military and divorced with a couple of children.  He recently rebuilt his financial life back together.  He had an apartment, a paid-for Toyota coup, and had a full-time and a part-time job to pay his child support.  

 

Anyway,  he met an older woman at his part-time job.  She was high up in the government either a gs-15 or SES (I can’t remember).  Either way, she was well up in income maybe mid one hundred thousand to 200 thousand.

 

Because of their positions, of course, they had to be discreet about their relationship.  But apparently, at the time, they were having a wonderful time!  The relationship was passionate and fun.  

 

He told me that recently, she came to him with a proposition.  The gist of it was as follows:

 

“…You know, you’re here with me all of the time.  I don’t see why you’d have to live there (in his apartment).  Why don’t you just move in with me?  You’re just wasting money on your apartment.  Why don’t you get rid of your apartment, place your things in storage and move in with me?  I have these two luxury cars and I only seem to drive one, you can drive the other one.  You can get rid of your car,  or just put it aside and move in.  You’re wasting money. Plus, we get to spend more time together.  We’ll have more time for fun…”

 

As he told me what she said, I could hear alarms going off in my head.  After he was done telling me her proposition, I asked him what was he going to do?  He told me that he decided to accept her offer.  I placed my head down, and just began to shake my head.  He asked me what was wrong…I told him,

 

“I don’t think you should do that.” 

 

He asked why? I then gave him my reason: 

 

“Look, I’m married to a very strong woman.  The only reason it has survived this long is because I came into the relationship correctly.  I came in as the provider.  Hell, even her father warned me by saying, “Young man, if you are not strong, she will run over you.”  I laughed and I said to him, “I know sir.”  He said again, “No, I am very serious.  If you are not strong, she will run over you.”  I told him, “I know sir.  She told me this already.”

 

I told my colleague that the only reason he was so successful this far with that woman was the fact that he had his own stuff.  If he moved in with her, he would now be in a weak position.  He literally laughed at me and insinuated that I was young and naïve.  He told me, “I got this.  Don’t worry about it young buck!”  I just said, “OK.  I warned you.”

 

We Meet Again

Years went by and we ran into each other again.  And his energy was off.  Have you ever run into someone that you haven’t seen in a long time but they owe you money?  You know that he owes you money.  He knows that he owes you money.  He thought that he’d never see you again, and here you are!  That was the energy.  You know that energy?  It was weird and uncomfortable.  Well that’s the type of energy that he gave me.  

 

We spoke in small talk but eventually, being the asshole that I am, I went straight for the jugular, “hey whatever happened with that lady you moved in with?  Are you guys still together?”  His response was, “I don’t want to talk about it.”  Again, being the asshole that I am, I said, “Nah, what happened in that situation?”  He said it didn’t work out. 

 

She Showed Him Another Side

 

I asked what happened?  After pressing him, he eventually told me.  He said,

 

“Well Moeh, everything was great.  We were having a great time.  Hell, we were even driving in to work together.  Everything was great.  Then one day, everything went to shit. 

 

She was discussing a situation that had to be dealt with.  Me, being the man of the house, I made an executive decision, that we should deal with the issue in a particular manner.  Then I saw a side of her I never saw before.

 

She reminded me that this was her house.  That she runs this.  She reminded me that the car that I’m driving, she pays for that and it’s hers.  She told me that I didn’t pay a damn thing here.  She let me live there, and if I had an issue with it, I knew what I could do.  My jaw just dropped I  never saw that coming. A woman has never spoken to me like that before,. I never saw this side of her.  For almost a year, all I saw was a passionate, loving and sweet woman.  Now I knew why they feared her in her office.  I saw the boss-side.  And I was just her minion.“

 

All I could think was, ” You thought that the young whipper snapper was naïve huh?  That I didn’t know what I was talking about.”  He picked up on it, and said, “Go to hell Moeh.  I don’t want to hear shit!”  Being the asshole that I am, I said, “What don’t you want hear?”  He replied, “That you were right Mother fucker!”  We laughed.  

 

So then I asked him, “Well, what happened after that conversation?  What did you do?”

 

He replied, “Moeh, after she said that, I just got quiet and  left the room.  I then realized what I did.  I placed myself in a vulnerable position.  She lured me into a weakened position, and because of my lust and attraction to the finer material things in life, I let myself fall into a situation.  My manhood came back, and I realized that I’d rather be a man and be homeless, than to be treated like a little boy in some powerful woman’s house.”

 

He then began to make moves.  He didn’t drive in to work with her the next day.  He told her that he was going in later that day.  He called off from work, and contacted a close friend of his to help him.  He went and got an apartment in his old building that he left a year prior.  Since they knew him, he didn’t have an issue getting an apartment there again.  He then rented a U-haul truck and removed his items from that woman’s house.  After leaving her car keys on her coffee table, he locked her door, and slid her house keys under the door.  I can’t remember if he left a letter. He blocked her on his phone and moved on. 

 

Later on, she was angry with him at the job.  If looks could kill she would have murdered him. But he was at peace again.  He got his manhood back.

 

He got his stuff out of storage, and rebuilt his life in a few months.  Hopefully he learned from this lesson.  This was a lesson that at 40 something, he had not learned.  I knew this lesson.  I had seen it play out before.  That’s the first time that I began to realize that I knew things that even older men didn’t know.  

 

“I Just Couldn’t Help Myself…”

Years later I would have a similar conversation with some of my female colleagues.  One of them was talking about a time in her past when she was dating a guy. 

 

She was living with the guy when he lost his job.  Because he lost his job, she became the breadwinner for a while.  And apparently, he wasn’t really looking for a new job.  She’d come home and he’d be relaxing, playing video games.  He wouldn’t cook or even clean while he was home.  She told my colleagues and I:

 

“…I didn’t realize it until later but…I first started saying ‘slight’ things to him.  As time went on, I became even bolder.  I couldn’t help myself, I became so disrespectful to him!  I realized later that I began to lose respect for him, because I began to look at him as another one of my children.  I didn’t look at him as my man anymore because I was the provider in the house now.  I became the boss.  And I carried it that way. 

 

I will never let myself get into a relationship like that again.  Because I now know myself.  I know that if a guy lets me take over, I will begin to disrespect that guy.  He has to take the lead as the provider or nothing at all.  I’m too strong of a woman to give respect, he has to carry the role of a man.”

 

What Can We Learn From This?

 

I love strong women.  I probably love them because my mother is a strong woman.  I’ve never had a doubt in my head that a man would beat my mother up!  I never had to worry about that.  If anything I had to worry about her fighting the guy.  She’s tough!

 

Strong women are not passive.  They cannot and will not be abused-verbally or physically.   And many of them, if you attempt to physically abuse them, before the men in their family can “deal” with you, they might kill you themselves!  But I digress.  

 

Even though they are strong, they are still designed by the creator to be women.  Because they are created as women, they have the same nature as women who are not as “strong”.  But again, what can we learn from these two stories?  

 

1) You have to pay the cost to be the boss.

 

To be respected as a man, you have to come into the relationship doing man shit.  And you must forever keep on doing man shit. 

 

Side note:  If you have consistently been doing man shit and you get injured, you actually won’t lose respect from this type of woman.  Why?  Because you are not being lazy, you are injured.  

 

Furthermore, you don’t have to provide 100% today.  But you damn sure better be carrying the bulk of the load.  If not, then what’s the point of you being there in her life?  To be another mouth to feed?

 

2)Never get lured in by older women to move in with them or use their things.  It’s a recipe for disaster.  Many times it’s a strategy to control you.

 

In the past years, I’ve seen coworkers of mine use this tactic when dealing with younger males.  These women are high earners, so money is not an issue.  They have homes and multiple vehicles.  They’ll get a young guy in his 20’s or 30’s and offer him to move in with her or drive her luxury cars.  Hell, some have put down paymentsfor him to purchase a car but it’s in her name. 

 

She typically uses the young guy for his virility or as a trophy piece if he’s a real handsome guy.  Don’t fall for this.  You move in with her and now you don’t have  a place to stay if she puts you out.  Even women who are the same age as you, will do this, to control you.  Either way you are not being a man.  So the dynamics of the relationship are not right.  

 

I’ve dated older women; powerful women.  Powerful women who were attorneys, doctors, officers of the armed forces and even women that owned their own law firms.  But there never was an  issue with them, because I remained the man in the relationship. 

 

They’d try to offer me some of their material goods and I always said no.  I had my own things and my own house.  My things may not be as lavish as theirs but it is mine.  I took them out on dates and I wooed them with my own money.  Their money didn’t mean a goddamn thing to me.  I’m a man.  I lead.  And their salaries or power in their field don’t mean shit to me. 

 

I admire greatness though.  And I am not intimidated by greatness.  I applaud it.  And because I applaud it and was not intimidated by their accomplishments, they desired me more. Because they didn’t have to downplay their greatness no matter what. No matter how much money the women made, I was always the man in the relationship.  I would never let them try to maneuver me in that spot (of manipulation).  They have all tried though.  And I always shut them down.  And they respected me for it.

 

3)She will only submit and follow you once you have shown that you can lead as a man and as a husband.

 

You can’t be spineless and indecisive with this type of woman.  If you are spineless or indecisive she won’t respect you. She will commandeer your authority.

 

Then if you produce children, they will look at her as the authority and literally not listen to you.  But that subject is for another time. 

 

Conclusion:

Don’t do it.  If you do decide to date this type of woman, keep your ears open.  And never accept her offer.