Am I qualified?

So am I qualified to talk about the raising of sons?  You’re damn right, I am!    

A vacuum of desire was created in me because I didn’t receive the same purposeful grooming that I saw my cousin receive.  Not only that, but the community of families that I was around also purposely groomed their children.  I didn’t understand the purpose of the grooming, until I was in a magnet school with great children who explained how their parents groomed them.  So now I saw methodologies of grooming children and now I understood why these things were done.  And as the years went on, I learned more on how to groom children.  This was only created because I never received those opportunities.  A vacuum.  That vacuum would never have been there without what I experienced.  So yes, I am qualified.  And many times what I speak about, is either from my experiences or the experiences of others backed  by science.    

 

What are some of the major things that I’ve learned from personal experience?  Well let me give you a few to ponder:

 

Four of many other things I learned through my difficult childhood.

1)A Child can FEEL whether the person that’s disciplining him: loves him, hates him, or is angry.

Do you know that all physical discipline is not the same?  People can perform the same discipline on the child and depending on the “spirit” of the person, impacts how the child receives the discipline.  

I was a very mischievous child.  I was a thief, a liar, and took things apart.  I do admit that most of the discipline that I received, I earned it.  Thank God that all of the adults in my culture were consistent with the discipline.  I was a slow learner.  But they didn’t tire from correcting me.  And eventually, I realized that they weren’t going to change so I had to change.  

But, I could feel the spirit of the discipline.  Before my uncle left to begin his mission, he’d crucify me when it needed to be done!  LOL!  Then he’d talk to me.  I never  felt as if he disciplined me out of anger or hate.  I always felt the love that he had for me.  I never doubted it.  I just was a little slow in understanding cause and effect!  So I got what I got!  

In other situations, with the other person, whether I deserved the physical discipline or not I always felt that I was disliked.  My error was corrected, but I could feel the dislike.  And eventually, the child will begin to look at you as the enemy.

And in other situations with the other disciplinarian, I could feel the rage.  This person had a temper problem.  And what I’ve learned from wise teachers as I’ve gotten older, is that if you’re angry, calm down before you discipline the child.  Many people have killed children by mistake because of their anger.  Well I’m also here to tell you, that the child feels your rage.  And they will begin to not like you, fear you and dread being around you.

 

2)How and what you say to a child about themselves becomes their inner voice in adulthood.

A few years ago, I came across a psychology article that brought this point up.  When I read it, it explained a lot of things that I had been dealing with at the time for over three decades.  

Because the Creator had guided me into many societies, I learned about the mind and how to repair it.  I learned how to go about repairing my self image.  Under many situations, I witnessed many of my negative images and low self esteem characteristics.  I am far away from the human being I was when I was just beginning my twenties.  And I know exactly where these things came from.

I have had a speech impediment since I was a child.  It wasn’t until I was writing on one of the negative experiences I dealt with in front of some adults where I was the joke at around age 5, then I realized that my speech impediment soon came about after that encounter.  

It is said that from the infant stage to age six, that the mind/self image is being molded.  Once that’s set, it’s pretty hard to change.  Then if you slap on another six years of negative talk to that child, things like:

  • You’ll never be nothing
  • You’re ugly
  • You’re a loser
  • You’re retarded
  • You’ll never be nothing like your parents
  • Etc.

How do you think that will impact that child?  Well I can tell you.  They will always see themselves as ugly no matter how untrue it may be.  They will always doubt themselves.  They can’t believe that they can do anything.  In other words their self image of how they see themselves was programmed.  And trust me, it will take decades to repair if they know how to repair it.

But on the opposite of this, I’ve met people who believe that they can do anything.  They believe that they are beautiful even when they are average.  They dominate everything.  And do you know what?  Many of them were taught these things about themselves.  They’ve heard all throughout their childhood that they were beautiful.  That they were strong.  That they can do anything.  This is their inner voice!  And if you tell them otherwise, they will call you a liar.  Why?  Because that tape recorder in their mind, in their soul tells them otherwise.  

Your responsibility is to first mold their self-image.  Mold it correctly.  But any of us through ignorance, pain, and anger, we destroy our children.  I know this.  So when I see a child, I will purposely drop in their mind the possibility of greatness in their future and how handsome or beautiful they are.  

You might learn this in childhood psychology.  But I am the living testament of this actual fact.

 

3)No one will ever take care of your child like you would.

Do you want to know a secret?  Do you know that if a person dislikes you, that they will mess with your children?  Even psychologically?  Even if they know you are “crazy” they can mess with your children.  Do you know that unbeknownst to you, that they can convince your son that it’s ok to wear a dress?  Do you know that they can tell your child things about themselves or you to change the trajectory of their lives?  And your child might never tell you those things?  I’ve seen this happen to children.  And they knew that the parents were against those things.  They did it to hurt the parents.  

Unless you’ve personally been through it, you have no idea what someone would do to a child to hurt the individual.  You have no idea.  No one will love your child, like you would.  No one will dedicate their lives to your child like you would. 

 Let me correct myself it can happen.  I’ve met great people who took care of children that were not theirs.  But it is rare.  I’ve seen a parent use the money that was given to them for a child that was in their household  to take care of their own children while that child starved and lost weight.  And that other child was blood! Raise your own children.

 

4) A child who is physically abused will usually become a physical abuser themselves.

The first time I saw the abuser in myself was with the family dog.  I forgot what the dog did, butI spazzed out and began to spank the dog.  I was still under the age of ten.  I lost control and almost killed that dog.  In the midst of my disciplining the dog, I caught myself and realized that I was doing what my abuser was doing to me.  That’s when I stopped.  

Upon meditating on what I’d done, I realized that I became what I hated.  I stopped that day.  

Do you know that most molesters become molesters?  Why would someone who suffered this pain become what they hated?  Because they dwelled on the pain and never got help for it.  So they drowned in the pain and became what they hated.  And if this is not corrected, this can go on for generation after generation.  

But you wouldn’t understand this unless you personally experienced those things or you studied this in psychology.  

 

Conclusion

So to my co-worker who said that it was interesting that her son and I knew so much about raising sons but didn’t have any children.  We went through things.  We felt pain that no one could understand unless you went through it.  And we longed to give our children what we didn’t receive.  And the first thing that I (and maybe him) learned, is that the best way to raise a child is in a properly structured family.  And if we wait until we create that proper structure before we bring children into this world we are the end of the dysfunctional family.