Observation Mode

My mentor, Andre Taylor once told me that at a young age, since he was such a spiritual child, he had been made aware that he was going to do something great in his life.  Because he knew that, he didn’t take for granted what came in his life.  He knew that these things came into his life for a reason.  Because he was aware of this, he was always in observation mode of what was going on around him.  And because he was always aware, he advanced in wisdom rather quickly in his life.  Besides having such a wise father that poured into him knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and guidance he also gleaned wisdom and knowledge from the environment.  He was so far advanced for his age, that even to this day, when he teaches, older people wonder how he has the knowledge that he has at such a young age, even though he is not “lettered” (scholastically educated).

 

You can say that my circumstances as a child created a vacuum of desiring what was around me- “families”.  And because I longed for this “family” thing, I observed everything!  Not purposely…I was in pain and…I was curious about what was going on around me.

 

My Uncle to the Rescue…

What were my circumstances?  Well, to be very clear, I was in danger of going into foster care.  Because of some circumstances and personal issues, I was eventually going to end up in the system-the foster care system.  

My father’s immediate brother stepped in and took me in around age 5.  He was not going to let his blood disappear into the system.  Being a lawyer by education in his original homeland, I guess he used his skill of reason to get my mother to give me up to him and his wife.  He told her that not only would he and his wife rectify the problem at hand that put me in the situation to end up in a foster care system, but I would now grow up in a family structure and experience American life fully.  I guess in his eyes, he thought that I and his son would grow up as brothers since we were only one year apart.  That was the plan.  But things didn’t work out that way.

 

Not as Planned…

Unbeknownst to him, there were others that didn’t want me there in the household. And unbeknownst to him and the family, bad things would happen to me. Out of respect for my family, I’ll leave it at that.  

 

I grew up in a “family” environment, but it was verbally and physically made clear that I wasn’t wanted there by certain individuals.  And there were many times at parties, where I was in ear shot of family commenting on how irresponsible my parents were or the fact that I took up space in that home.  I was only there because my uncle wanted me there.  I also became the butt of jokes at events by the women (I just realized that).  I experienced all of this and then some starting at around age 5!

 

The Vows 

I don’t say these things to get pity from anyone!  It’s my pain and blessing.  It was permitted to happen, to create the vacuum in my life that I would spend the rest of my life attempting to fill! 

This vacuum made me make certain promises to myself:

  1. To never create children out of wedlock.
  2. To never let my children ever go through what I was going through.  Thus, I would never let anyone raise them but my wife and I.  
  3. To treat any child in any home that I presided over fairly just as my own children.  And love them and empower them just as my own children.
  4. To give my children what I never truly had the opportunity to fully be a child.
  5. And to provide a fertile environment for them to develop.

I  began to develop these vows to myself between the ages of 5-8!  I made them because of the pain I felt!  And this beautiful pain began to mature me quickly.

 

You Can Never Understand Unless You’ve Been Through It.

You know, when I started to read up on the history of the world, I kept stumbling upon the horrible circumstances of women.  At first being a man, I didn’t pay attention to it nor did I care.  Why?  Because first of all, it wasn’t my intention to read up on the history of women. Honestly speaking, I never would have picked up a book on the study of women in history because it didn’t concern me. 

 What I began to learn of women’s history was just a bi-product of reading the histories.  And the more I read, I kept coming across their histories.  After a while I really began to realize the struggle of women in many societies.  Many times, in Europe, fathers would sell off their daughters to pay off debts.  Millions of women were sold off for centuries!

In some societies, a wife was inherited when her husband died by a family member of the late husband.  At one time the Church didn’t believe that the woman had a soul.  Even in this country, she couldn’t vote!  Before Islam, the Arabs buried new born baby girls alive because they didn’t want daughters only sons.  In China, because of the childbirth law, many daughters were given up for adoption.  I can go on and on.  But if you begin to read up on women, you can see how they’ve been oppressed by males.  

We as men could never relate to the struggle of women because we are not women!  Being raped or kidnapped is a real reality to her. A man only thinks about rape maybe in a prison situation.  With a woman, it’s a real possibility.  We, as men, can’t relate because these are not our problems.  But we only begin to think about these things maybe when we produce daughters.  Or when we get married.  Because we are men and don’t have the same issues, we take for granted what they have to worry about or fight for as women.  

I believe it’s the same thing with the child who grows up in a good two-family structured home.  Because it’s natural for him to have a mom and dad who are there to raise him and support him, he takes those things for granted.  He doesn’t realize how good he has it because he has it.  It’s not his problem.  So many times, I’ve seen kids who grew up in good homes become a piece of shit parents.  Because they don’t realize how important it was to their psyche that their parents stayed together and raised him in a structured environment.  

But when you’re a kid raised around other kids who were raised in a structured environment and you are not being raised the same, it creates a vacuum in you that magnifies your curiosity of those other kids and their families.  

You unknowingly place yourself around families and friends with fathers because you long for this environment.  He visits these homes and observes them.  

He also studies his feelings and also learns how these things impact him also.  And after decades of living in these environments, as an adult, he knows how to cultivate a child and he knows how to destroy a child.  He understands and can prove and disprove any theory that’s in a book on the subject of raising boys.  Now as an adult, he can see a child going through  “things” and he knows what’s probably going through that child’s mind.

The only thing that I’ve never experienced as a child was molestation.  But I’ve met guys who were molested as boys by men and women.  They’ve told me things that their parents don’t even know.  

To be continued…